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Re: Very funny novel-length flat share ad
by Bruce Ure at 01:13 21/02/06 (Blogs::Bruce)
Here it is in text for when the ad dies:

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Flaxfield, Basingstoke, UK RG21
£ 370 (Monthly)

* Shared house/flat
* Bedrooms: 3
* Bathrooms: 1
* Garden: Garden
* Furnished

ATTIC ROOM IN CHARACTER TOWN CTR HSE TO LET TO A CAT LOVER.

I'm looking for someone who is a cat lover, tolerating them isn't quite enough as there are 5 (all female and friendly). I'm easy going and open minded and the house is nice and relaxing,
victorian terrace fully furnished with the five felines so we can't really fit any more pets.

BACK BEDROOM
The back room is now let to a friendly, easy going chap from Scotland. (mid 20s)

ATTIC ROOM
The attic room is large, sloping roofed and is nearly ready, (I just have to clear out my belly dance costumes and with a lick of paint it'll be lovely). It's an airy room, with a velux window looking over the back, through trees over old house & church spire and beyond (for a town it's a great view). It has a futon instead of a regular bed. It also has chest of drawers, dressing table/cupboard and could have a clothes rail if you really needed me to fit one. I wouldn't really recommend it to anyone really tall. People of about 5'5' or less seem to fit in nicely though.

We're just 2 mins walk from the shopping centre but still a nice old character victorian terrace.
Smoking roll-ups occasionally is fine (not in the morning - makes me feel sick being woken by the smell of smoke) - ready rolled cigarettes outside only though I'm afraid. I'm probably going to give up smoking in the next couple of weeks too anyway...

I'm around and working during the day (10-8) a lot. This means the house is more secure, but it does also mean I would like you to be out at work a reasonable amount of time (10-5 m-f min), hence looking for a professional, as I am easily distracted and like a bit of privacy. I tend to spend a night or 2 a week in Soton with my boyfriend and vice versa. *When I'm away you're welcome to use the lounge, when he's here I/we're often working in the evenings in the lounge. It might not always look like work but we need time together to work through plans which we don't get if there's someone there all the time *

I'm veggie but really don't mind you eating meat or cooking it here. You get to have your own fridge shared with the other lodger. There's not a lot of space in the kitchen for storing other stuff tho I'm sure I can find a little space if you need it.

The Bus and train stations are very close by, however parking isn't so good - generally you have to use car parks.

I like to think it's a fairly green household. I recycle; buy organic/eco-friendly/recycled/local; get a veg box weekly etc... I'd be happier if you also do the same to some degree (you could share the veg box if you wanted) but I'm happy your choices are your own, so long as you don't mess up mine I don't really care.
Specifically recyle the recyclables and don't make me rumage out the non-recyclables from the recycling bin!!

PRACTICAL/FINANCIAL
Bills (elec, gas and water) are included, most people seem to want to use their own mobile not share a land line, so I will assume that is the case unless we discuss otherwise.

I ask for a month's rent in advance, the rent paid monthly, and the equivalent again as deposit. That deposit is against damages and notice: so long as you treat my property with respect and don't damage anything and give me a months notice before you leave: then you'll get your deposit back no quibble.

I'd rather not have someone on benefits, mainly because that can easily result in me not having rent on time and there not being anything you can do about it and hence a load of unnecessary stress and tension between us.

I don't mind if partners stay *occasionally* (so long as they treat the place with respect, incl. cats) though there's not really space for kids to live here, or two people to live in the room full time, and certainly not for any more animals, apart from maybe a small goldfish in your room :) anything else is likely to intimidate, compete with, or be eaten by the 5 resident cats.

I can provide pillows, duvets and bed linen and towels if you want, and am happy to do washing if you leave it in the kitchen once a week, but quite understand if you want to have your own and wash it yourself.

We share the bathroom, but there shouldn't be too much competition in the morning if you work normal hours as I'm seldom awake before 8:30 (and when I am it's usually a lot earlier than that).

Although rent is £370 for the right person that could be negotiable a little way. I can't afford much flexibility but if it meant someone easy going and cheerful, who I really get on with, and who the cats like, moving in soon then you might just persuade me. :)

I am asking just for a 1 month minimum stay, with a months notice both ways, as sometime in 2006 I will sell this house and buy one together with my partner in Wiltshire or Devon. For now I'm here though and it's not on the market yet even as I write this in January.

YOU
Ideally although you don't have hold the same views on everything (Things like I don't particularly care if you're not veggie - I even had one lodger who lived on McDs & we got on great) you should at least respect my views and be willing to sort your recycling from rubbish (most importantly not muck up my recycling so things like not putting messy food rubbish in my tins and card recycling bin).

Although it's very much an old cosy busy cottage feel I do like to keep it nice and clean and tidy and expect you to not create extra work for me. I expect you to do things like wash up after yourself, not leave rubbish around the house and rinse the bath after you use it - fairly straightforward I hope. The right person to live here will think this is all normal behaviour and quite possibly wonder why I bother to mention it :)

As mentioned in the first line you MUST be a cat lover, I might occasionally ask you to make sure their water is topped up if I'm away for a couple of days whilst you're going to be around.

Sorry the ad is a bit long, but although I'm keen to get new lodgers I'm also keen that we be a good match so you'll be happy here and I'll be happy with you in my home. Feel free to email me and ask anything or even better, come and see the rooms...

...but one last bit PLEASE if you arrange a viewing (or even to move in!) and can't make it or change your mind for some reason, please have the consideration to let me know ASAP.

Sorry if this sounds odd but I am awed at how selfish some people out there can be - leaving us sat waiting and just never turning up! (even a text saying 'changed my mind not coming' would do!) Though it has been suggested some of them were burglars scouting the place only to discover I really don't have anything worth the effort of breaking in for....

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